|داستان دیوانه وار خنده دار انگلیسی 4
Really Funny Short Stories that Tickle Guy and Will's Sense of Humour
Variety truly is the spice of life. When it comes to a story, we have a tale
for each social occasion and every mood. Many of these short stories are true -
with embellishments. Others have only a grain of truth, whilst the remainder
are just tall stories.
Funny Short Stories (Links to other pages)
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench
sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He told me, 'I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly
I continued, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
He added, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite biscuits,
cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'
He said, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite
dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours.'
I inquired, 'Well then, why in the world would you be crying?'
He replied, 'I can't remember where I live.'
Rosie Hall buys a self-assembly, flat-pack, cupboard from her local Homebase
store. Reaching home Rosie reads the instructions carefully, counts the pieces
then assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really great and she is
Now, Rosie lives near a railway line and as the train passes by the cupboard
collapses. Undaunted by this misfortune she re-reads the instructions and
reassembles the cupboard. Once more, another train passes and the whole
cupboard collapses again.
Rosie now frustrated and thinking that she must have done something "wrong"
re-re-reads the instructions and re-re-assembles the cupboard. Shortly, a train
passes and the whole cupboard collapses yet again for the 3rd time.
Rosie is now fed up, cross and rather angry so she 'phones the customer
service department. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll
send along a fitter to take a look.
The fitter arrives and assembles the cupboard. Again, a train passes and the
cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the fitter
decides to reassemble the cupboard and sit inside it to see whether he can find
out what causes the cupboard to collapse. At this point, Rosie's husband comes
home, sees the cupboard and says, 'Oh, that's a splendid looking cupboard,' and
he opens it to look inside.
The fitter, who had been wondering how to explain his position in Rosie's
bedroom cupboard, blurts out, 'You probably won't believe me, but I'm standing
here waiting for a train.'
An Irishman's Jocular Tale
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all entered a 26 mile long swimming
After 12 miles the Scottish man gets tired and drops out.
after 16 miles the English man gets tired and drops out.
After 25 miles the
Irish man decides he can't finish the race, so he turns around and swims back to
Fun At The Movies
Last week Ronnie Walsh went to the movies at the Rialto Cinema in Bristol to
see "Slumdog Millionaire" but because of two women loudly chatting together who
were sitting in the row in front of him, Ronnie was unable to hear the dialogue
Ronnie leaned forward and said in a stage whisper, 'Excuse me ladies but I
'I should hope not,' stormed the woman, 'this is a private
Amusing Married Men Only Story
Will and Guy have no information as to the veracity about this funny tale
from the USA.
Apparently in a small town somewhere in the USA there is a large factory that
will only recruit married men. One of the local women, one Brenda Davy, a feisty
young lady, was angry about this and demanded to speak to the manager to find
Brenda demanded to know, 'Why is it you limit your employees to married men?
Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous.......or what?'
'Not at all, Ma'am,' the Factory Manager replied. 'It is because our
employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around,
know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.'
If you don't see the topic that you are interested in try our 'Search' box
because we have a large selection of amusing yarns, tall tales and strange but
A Funny True Story
Police Officer Bryant found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding
One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so
Bryant investigated and found the problem. 10 year old Dennis was standing on
the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "Radar Trap
Ahead." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's
accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign
reading "Tips" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
Here are Examples of Our Really Funny Short Stories
Our mission is to amuse you with our funny really short stories. While we
aim to surprise, we never want to offend or shock you. Please not that the
ABOVE links connect to other pages, while below are samples of our short
Easy to Swallow?
My sister, Paula, and her husband, Chris, had just finished tucking their
young ones into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the
children's room. Rushing in, they found Tommy crying hysterically.
He had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and was sure he was going to die. No
amount of talking could change his mind. Trying to calm him, Chris palmed a 5p
coin that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from
Tommy's ear. Tommy, naturally, was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from
his father's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully - 'Do it again,
Heard This One Before?
A man boasts to a friend about his new hearing aid, 'It's the most expensive
one I've ever had, it cost me USD$3,500.' [£1800]
His friend asks, 'What kind is it?'
The braggart says, 'Half past four.'
Will and Guy bring you the story behind the pigeon story. Zhang Liang,
apologized for his 'bad behavior' when he forged a picture of pigeons receiving
bird flu vaccine shots from medical workers.
Amazingly this picture won first prize in the 2005 China International Press
Photo Contest. 'I would like to apologize to the public,' said Liang, who was
dismissed from Harbin Daily.
He copied the pigeon in the top right corner of his photo and pasted it in
the top left corner.
'I did it to make the photo perfect,' Zhang was quoted as saying. 'It was the
first time for me to perfect pictures with computer technology and I did it only
Will's Experience at Gatwick
After his return from Rome, Will couldn't find his luggage in the London
Gatwick airport baggage area. So he went to the lost luggage office and told
the woman there that his bags hadn't shown up on the carousel. She smiled and
told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good
'Now', she asked Will, 'has your plane arrived yet?'
More Funny Short Stories
Lesson in Employee Relationship
Fred Gibbs was in his early 60's, retired and had started a second career in
catering. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he
was 2, 3, 5 minutes late. However, he was a good worker, really clever, so the
owner was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called
Steve into the office for a talk.
Fred, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a top class job, but
you're being late so often is quite a worry.'
'Yes, I realise that, sir, and I am working on it.' replied Fred.
'I'm pleased to hear that, you are a team player. It's odd though, you're
coming in late. I know you're retired from the Royal Navy. What did they say if
you came in late there?'
'They said, "Good morning, Admiral".'
Aircrew of the Month
This next yarn reminds of my former classmate Pete.
At school, Pete was always in the top 2/3 in our class, but once he left school,
he never could settle in a job. He landed a job as a bus driver, but his
denouement came when he took a detour and drove the bus to his home. Pete, got
out, went in, left the passengers on the bus, had a cup of tea and drove on half
an hour later. When the bus company discovered his antics, his supervisor
dismissed him on the spot. The Airline flight attendant in this next tale is
going the same way as Pete.
From a Stingem employee....' Welcome aboard Stingem
Flight XXX to YYY.' We are pleased to have some of the best pilots in the
industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!'
Then he progressed to the famous ' Fasten Seatbelt
Routine' . What he said was: 'To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if
you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two or more
small children, decide now which one you love the more.
After the plane landed, he said: 'As you exit the
plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants'
His final announcement was: 'Thank you for flying
Stingem Airlines. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we
enjoyed taking you for a ride.'
Scotsman, Irishman, and Englishman Story
A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in
solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's
supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell
- The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whisky; it's given to him and he's
- The Irishman asks for a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with
several thousand bottles of it.
- The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's given a pile
of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.
One year later, their doors are all unlocked.
- The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, 'I'm free!' and then keels over dead
from alcohol poisoning.
- The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of
- When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly
to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself.
surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees,
and asks, 'I say you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?'
See more Englishman,
Irishman and Scotsman tall stories
Boot on the Wrong Foot
This tale is based on a true story told to Will by a friend [Tessa] who is an
nursery schoolteacher in Drayton near Portsmouth; names have been changed to
protect the guilty.
Marlon asked the teacher to help him get his shoes on at the end of a busy
day. After quite a struggle with the shoes, which were a little tight, Tessa
finally got them on. 'They're on the wrong way round, Miss,' mumbled Marlon.
She realises that he is right; they are on the wrong feet. Staying calm she
and swaps them over for him.
'They're not my shoes, Miss,' Marlon murmurs again.
Tessa fights hard to keep her cool and asks Marlon why he hadn't told her
before. She then kneels down again and helps him pull the shoes off.
'These aren't my shoes, they're my brother's and Mum told me not to tell
At this point Tessa can feel tears coming. She helps him back into his shoes.
She gets him into his coat and wraps his scarf round his neck.
'Where are your gloves, Marlon?' asks Tessa quietly.
'Oh, Miss, I always put them in my shoes!'
There was a murder in Texas at Halloween, and the FBI were called in to
investigate. Hitchcock, one of the officers, saw something written in blood on
the wall. It looked like the number '7734', but he was not sure; anyway, he
took lots of pictures.
When Hitchcock got back to the lab he developed the film of the crime scene,
but he still could not make any progress with the number. In the hope of
inspiration, he took the sheaf of photographs home and spread them on the dining
room chair. Just at that moment his 7 year old daughter Emma came in through
the patio door opposite, and looked in the mirror.
'Why have you photographed hell?', she asked, then Hitchcock saw that upside
down, and mirrored, 7734 spelt: 'hELL'.
Please send us your really funny short
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