|داستان دیوانه وار خنده دار انگلیسی 3
Will and Guy's Good Jokes
Our criteria for a 'Good Joke' is as follows: a funny tale that has surprise;
the punch line brings a smile to your face. Our Good Jokes are clean and
suitable for you to tell at a family gatherings. Many of these jokes can be
spun out to make a short story; as so often with a good yarn, all you need is
the seed of an idea.
1) A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.
'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some
languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'
A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'
2) Robert went to his lawyer and said, 'I would like to make a will
but I don't know exactly how to go about it.' The lawyer smiled at Robert and
replied, 'Not a problem, leave it all to me.'
Robert looked somewhat upset and said, 'Well, I knew you were going to take a
big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!'
3) Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple
of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you
cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.
4) Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they
do is put their cat out.
The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots
Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the
house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'My husband is just going
upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'
Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the
taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed
and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to
5) A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him, 'Why
are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres
'Well,' replied the jay walker, 'I hope it's having better luck than me.'
Air Crash Victims: True?
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they
have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if
they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? - Paul
Merton, English comedian.
The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door
while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a - 'Thanks for flying XYZ
An airline pilot on this particular flight hammered his plane into the runway
really hard. In light of his bad landing, he had difficulty looking the
passengers in the eye, all the time he thought that a passenger would have a
smart comment. However, it seemed that all the passengers were too shell
shocked to say anything.
Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this
little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sonny, mind if I ask you a
question?' Why no Ma'am,' said the pilot, 'What is it', the little old lady
said, 'Did we land or were we shot down?'
Collection of Good Jokes About Church and Marriage
Paula, a mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter Janet's plane to land.
Janet had just come back from abroad trying to find adventure during her gap
year. As Janet was exiting the plane, Paula noticed a man directly behind her
daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying
a shrunken head. Janet introduced this man as her new husband.
Paula gasped out loud in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, 'I said
for you to marry a rich Doctor .... a rich Doctor!'
Husband: Sweetheart, would you say that I'm the only man you've ever
Wife: Of course you are. Why do all men ask me the same silly
After the Honeymoon
Rupert and Elaine, a young couple, got married and went happily on their
When they got back, Elaine immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother
obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'
'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'
Then Elaine burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert
started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard
before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and
take me home.... Please Ma.'
'Calm down, Elaine!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful?
What 4-letter words?'
Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, 'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and
Going To Church
I didn't see you in church last Sunday, Perkins. I hear you were out playing
'That's not true, Vicar. And I've got the fish to prove it.'
My Word, That's a Heavy Fish, Doc
Doctor Dermot Reid from Fareham in Hampshire, England, was famous in South
Hants for always catching large fish and for winning fishing trophies.
One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips in the Test Valley
he got a call that a woman at Cropper's Farm was giving birth. He hurried to
her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so Doctor Reid used his fishing
scales. The baby weighed 22 lbs 10 oz ............
After Quasimodo's death, Bishop Thomas of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent
word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop
decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the
belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he
decided to call it a day.
Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there
to apply for the bell ringer's job.
Bishop Thomas was incredulous. 'You have no arms.'
''No matter,' said the man, 'observe!' He then began striking the bells with
his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in
astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for
Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man
tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street
The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the
street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful
music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the
bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man?'
'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied, 'but his face rings a
Who Reads Newspapers? A Funny and Alternative View
- The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
- The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
- The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the
- USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but
don't understand The Washington Post.
- The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the
country, if they could spare the time.
- The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
- The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running
- The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the
country, as long as they do something scandalous.
- The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a
country, or that a country is a good idea in the first place.
- The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.
- The Chicago Tribune is read by people who live in
the Midwest, which readers of the other newspapers don't think is part of the
House Buying: A Humorous Tale
The building is all completed and awaiting hand over, before that can happen
the Alex wants some poor and incomplete work finished as is normal at these
A meeting is arranged between Alex, the main contractor and a sub-contractor,
site agent, planning supervisor and site safety manager. A tour is planned of
the building to look at relevant defects starting on ground floor. Alex points
out badly fitting window frames, the site agent makes some notes and the
sub-contractor goes to the window and shouts,
'Green side up.'
They move to the first floor and Alex points out badly fitted and missing
lights, the site agent makes some notes and the sub-contractor goes to the
window and shouts,
'Green side up.'
On the 2nd floor more problems are highlighted, radiator leaking, exposed
cables, waste and broken window frame, the site agent makes some notes and the
sub-contractor goes to the window and shouts,
'Green side up.'
This is too much. The safety manager has to ask. So he says, 'Every time you
are told a defect tell, you write it down, but then the subbie yells out the
'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?'
The sub-contractor shakes his head ruefully and says, 'I have four blokes
laying turf around the building.'
Sotheby's Auction, London: An Amusing Anecdote
The bidding was proceeding furiously and strong when the Head Auctioneer
suddenly announced, 'A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing ten
thousand pounds. If returned, he will pay a reward of two thousand pounds.
There was a moment's silence in the auction house and from the back of the
room came a shout, 'Two thousand five hundred.'
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress,
taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly
sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of
sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and
unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and
said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't. He just
walked in the door.'
Classic Short and Sweet Joke
Where's the English Channel?
I don't know - our television doesn't pick
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and
fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'
Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What does that tell you?'
Watson ponders for a minute.' Astronomically speaking, it tells me
that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be
approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is
all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we
will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. 'Watson, you idiot, someone has
stolen our tent.'
The American and the Welsh farmers
An American farmer was on holiday in Wales. He could not resist exploring
the hill farms north of Aberystwyth. At lunch time he dropped into a pub and
fell into easy conversation with a Welsh farmer.
'How big is your spread?' , asked the American. 'Well look you, it's about 20
acres he said' . Only 20 acres the American responded, back in Texas I can get
up at sunrise, saddle my horse and ride all day, when I return at supper time,
I'll be lucky to cover half my farm'. 'Dew dew', said the Welshman, 'I once had
horse like that, but sent him to the knackers yard.'
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